I got to the office that day and i immediately knew something was wrong, the expressions on people's faces varied from pity to fear to confusion and some even looked judgmental but then again there is always some kind of drama going on at the office so i shrugged and went straight into my boss's office. Now you have to know that my boss is a manipulative, egocentric maniac but he is also a genius and he is hilarious so we all kind of overlook the former because of the latter, suffice to say even though he bullies us we all love working for him.
Everyday, since i started working for him, my boss always has something witty to say every time i enter his office, but not that day...that day more than five(5) of my colleagues were in his office and he looked like he was the one that needed a good laugh which further confirmed my earlier thought about something being wrong. One of my colleagues came to my side and held my hand and i looked at my boss with questions in my eyes and he looked right back into my eyes and said 'Yewande was found dead, she killed herself''. I looked at my boss without blinking and said "This joke is way too expensive, even for you", but even as i said it, i knew deep down he was telling me the truth. I looked at my colleagues, hoping with all my heart that it was a joke but they all looked away, some of them with tears in their eyes and i knew then and there that i would never see Yewande again.
Yewande, why? why? why? i asked myself over and over and over again. Yewande! WHY? I tried to make sense of it, i needed answers. I just didn't want to know why, i needed to know why, for the sake of my own sanity. Even though it was horrible that she committed suicide, the fact that she committed suicide without a note, without an explanation made it worse. I went to her house and turned the place upside down in search of a note, a clue, anything to make sense of her suicide but there was nothing. I accused the police force of not doing their job, i told them i was sure someone murdered her but her mother said it was impossible. You see, Yewande lived with her mum and dad, she was the only child, and on the day she passed, they had just finished dinner, they were all watching a tv show, according to her mum, everything seemed normal, they were all relaxing and generally having a good laugh until her dad said he wanted freshly squeezed orange juice, her mum called the maid but when there was no response they figured she had already gone to bed so her mum went to get it herself, she brought the orange to the sitting room to squeeze because she didn't want to miss the show but the knife she brought was blunt and cutting the orange seemed like a sport so Yewande offered to go get another knife and she never came back, her mum found her in the pool of her own blood, she had slit her wrist.
It just didn't make sense, i thought i was a happy child until i met Yewande, never met an happier person than Yewande. She never got angry, she always saw the best in people. she gave every single person the benefit of the doubt, she always had something wise to say in every situation, i always looked at her like a wise exotic being from out of space. Her suicide just didn't make sense. I mean we spend practically all our time together, we see and work together five(5)days a week, sometimes weekend(overtime) we go for lunch together, we hang out after work together most times. Surely i should have seen the suicidal signs right? I kept asking myself, it just didn't make sense.
I was selecting pictures for her burial and i came across one of her many pictures on my phone and i saw something that i had never seen in her eyes before, maybe i always saw it and i never knew what it meant then, or maybe i saw it and ignored it anyways or maybe it was just my subconscious way of making sense of it, but i saw something deeper in her eyes, she was looking directly at the camera and what i saw made my heart ache so bad, it made me weep and kept me up on so many nights. What i saw was nothing, there was nothing in her eyes, it was empty, there was some kind of hopelessness about the emptiness in her eyes and everyday i wake up and ask myself how i could have missed that look.
Suicide isn't something we take serious in Nigeria, we are always so quick to judge, so quick to say it's some kind of demonic attack(aye lon shey), we are always so quick to say only someone weak and selfish can commit suicide but do you know what it means to actually commit suicide, for a person to point a gun to his/her head and pull the trigger, the person must truly be without hope. People are always so quick to say "she's ungrateful, how can she kill herself, she has everything! she has a husband that would die for her, adorable healthy kids, she has a beautiful home, a million dollar job, what else does she want?" Fact is because you having all this would make you ultimately happy and fulfilled! doesn't mean other people feel the same way. Some people can have the world laid at their feet and still feel inconsolably depressed and alone.
Speak Out, Ask for help, some people suffer depression for years before they eventually commit suicide, if you are having suicidal thoughts, call someone immediately. If you are fighting depression, talk to someone continuously, till the problem is solved. Talk to a professional and if not a professional, then someone you love and trust.
If someone suicidal reaches out to you, listen without judging, be understanding, check on the person regularly. sometimes all it takes is a friendly smile, a hug, some thing as simple as holding hands, if it isn't something you can handle find someone that can! The most important thing is to ask for help.
It's sad that we do not have some kind of suicide helpline in Nigeria, I really hope that some day we do.
Watching a loved one suffer these symptoms and not being able to do anything is a horrible feeling, trust me when i say the battle is continuous so I want to start some kind of support group for people suffering from issues with depression, addiction and issues that might lead to suicidal thoughts, if you are suffering from any of the above, or you know someone that is suffering from the above and you don't know how to deal with it, or if you survived any of the following and would like to share how you overcame yours or if you are a psychologist and would like to share expert advise, please write to sorandomgurls@gmail.com. Please share this post with someone today, May God continue to give us the strength to carry on, God Bless us all.
