Remember when you first met him, you felt like all your days as a virgin, all your lonely University/Nysc days as being the only single girl among your friends was worth it, you felt like God had been listening to all your tearful prayers, he felt like the answer to your prayers. Oh you were so in-love, oh what it is to be in-love, you loved how he treated you, you loved how he looked at you, like he was the luckiest man alive. He loved you and he proved it by agreeing to respectfully wait till after marriage to consummate that burning fever of your love. Oh, you can remember your wedding night, it was everything and more you dreamt and wished it would be, you had the best honeymoon, all your friends kept calling, they were so eager to know the details of your wedding night, for they felt so jealous & envious of the love you shared with him. Your honeymoon ended and you went back home eager to start your envisioned beautiful life with him. Everyday he took the meaning of love to another level, he constantly looked for ways to make you smile, it felt like he lived to make you happy.
One year after marriage, you were ready to start having children, he was ready too, so you started trying to. One day after he dropped you off at the office(for even though he got you a car and a jeep, he still loved driving you round when he could, he said he loved the little moments you shared in the car) he drove off to his own office with promises to pick you up after closing hours. Few minutes after you got to work, you started to feel really weak, you used pain reliever but nothing changed so you told your boss you were taking the day off. You took a cab home, on your way home you called & told him you were a little bit sick and you were taking the day off, he immediately wanted to come see you but you told him not to worry that you were going to be fine. When you got home, you used more pain relievers & decided to take a nap. It was his kiss on your forehead that woke you up, he had closed early from work to come and take care of you, he pampered you that night and you felt much better. The next morning the smell of breakfast woke you up, he was all dressed and ready for work but he decided to make breakfast before he left, as you sat up to enjoy your breakfast in bed you suddenly felt nauseated, you jumped off the bed before you could ruin the breakfast, you got to the bathroom just in time to throw up, the rest was a blur after that. He had somehow convinced you to go see your doctor, it was later confirmed that you were pregnant. oh, you were so excited, he was too and if he pampered you before, he took pampering to another level.
It was 2 months into your pregnancy, you came back from work that day, you were in a good mood, you told the maid not to bother making dinner because you had a special meal planned for him. You prepared his favorite dish, Poundo yam and Edi Kai Kong, after the preparation you had used up your strength and because of your condition you were easily tired but you managed to set the table and waited patiently for him to come home. He usually got home around 7pm but he got home past 8pm that day and immediately he entered, you knew something was wrong, he looked really tired and sad, he said he lost a very big contract that could have taken his company to another level, you were sorry and you tried to cheer him up, he saw the set up on the dining table and that seemed to cheer him up a bit, he went to wash off the day's stress and came back to enjoy his dinner, he asked you to join him but you had already eaten so you just sat with him and watched him eat, as he was eating he took a glass of water and complained that it wasn't cold enough so you got up to get cold water, you gave him, he said it was too cold, so you decided to mix it, but he said you had mixed it too much and it wasn't cold enough so you joked with him that he should balance it by sipping from both cups, a little bit of the too-cold-water and a little bit of the not-so-cold-water and from nowhere you felt a sharp sting on your left cheek, you were shocked, your brain was trying to process what just happened, you looked at him, he was saying something, no wait, he was shouting something at you but you couldn't hear, he stood up in annoyance and you heard him asking if you were deaf, you finally managed to speak, you said, "Did you just slap me?", he said he was going to do it again if you didn't give him water, you tried mixing the water again and when you were done you gave it to him and went straight to bed. You laid in bed trying to figure out what had just happened. Did he just slap you? you kept replaying the conversation in your head and you still couldn't figure it out, when you woke up the next morning, the room had a strong smell, you opened your eyes, it was filled with beautiful flowers, there was a note on his side of the bed, it read, "i woke up this morning immensely ashamed, i couldn't face you, i couldn't look into your eyes, i just hope you know how very sorry i truly am", it was signed "with love". You felt a warm feeling in your heart and you immediately forgave him, he was tired yesterday and it was a long day for him, he had been frustrated about losing the opportunity that contract held, so he was tired, it was after all just a slap, it wasn't a big deal.
5 months after that incident you were 7 months pregnant and you could barely contain your excitement, you were getting closer to meeting the beautiful creature growing inside you. There were times you marveled at the works of God, especially when you felt your baby kick. It always made you giggle to feel your baby kick and you were always so eager to share the kick with people around, he was always so excited to feel his baby kick too, he always joked that his son was going to be a footballer but you always playfully argued that 'it' was a 'girl'(you had both decided not to find out the gender of the baby).
One day you came home and you were pleasantly surprised by a surprise baby shower put together by your friends. It was so much fun, you had fun with him and your loved ones that found time to celebrate with you. While you were opening gifts, you brought out a little dress, you were pleased 'cos you liked it, at that moment your baby kicked, you giggled and said, "i think she likes it too" One of your male colleagues from work wanted to feel the kick, immediately he placed his hand on your tummy the baby kicked, it was so exciting, everyone wanted to feel the kick, it felt like your baby wanted to entertain your guests, 'cos each time a hand was placed on your tummy, it kicked, all in all it was a good day. After everyone left, you went to shower and got into bed, he did the same, he was noticeably quiet but you didn't think much of it(it was after-all a long day), you gave him a goodnight kiss on the cheek and you patted your tummy affectionately and said "thanks for entertaining our guests today, mummy is tired and i'm sure you are too so goodnight baby, see you soon", as if on cue the baby kicked, you giggled as usual, you took his hand to place it on your tummy but he dragged his hand from yours with such aggression you sat up, you asked if everything was alright but he wouldn't answer, you tapped him and said, "Babe are you Okay" and that seemed to do the trick 'cos he jumped out of bed and started shouting; "how dare you? how dare you turn my innocent baby to a pimp? how dare you use my baby as an excuse to get attention and let other men touch you? in my house? in my presence? how dare you? oh wait! were you trying to say something to me? were you trying to tell me i am not the father and one of them is?". you sat there, wild eyed shock on your face, you were confused, you didn't quite understand what he was ranting about. He looked at you bitterly and said, "don't you dare feign ignorance, i know what you are! you pretending psychotic bitch!". he was really shouting bitterly, if you didn't stop his confusing ramblings, he was going to wake up the whole neighborhood so you stood up and went closer, you tried to calm him down by placing your hands on his chest but before you could say a word, he pushed you back on the bed, pounced on you and started giving you the beating of your life. you kept shouting "my baby, our baby" but he didn't seem to hear or care or at least this man that was beating you for no reason, this man that looked nothing like the man you married, this man that looked nothing like the man you fell in-love with, this man that you once felt was the answer to your prayer, this man that you couldn't recognize didn't seem to hear or care.
It's been six months since you lost the beautiful baby whose gender you never found out, whose beautiful smile you never got to see, whose beautiful tears you never got to kiss away. Of-course no one but you and him knew what really happened to the baby(maybe the maid knew), your version of the story was that you fell down the stairs. Everyone was sympathetic, including him, he had lost weight, he had been so sorry, he still was, he apologized every time he got the chance, the look you had seen in his eyes that day had gone and the man you fell in-love with was back.
You have been married for 5 years now and the look you thought was gone had come visiting a lot during those years, that look had caused 3 miscarriages, that look slowly but surely drove away the light in your eyes, the smile on your lips, the life out of your body, you barely look into the mirror now because you are scared to see what you have become, you resigned from work 'cos you got tired of giving the same 'i fell down the stairs excuse' to explain the bruises on your body, you barely pick your calls 'cos you don't want to hear the pity in their voices, you ended up firing your maid because she somehow became more than a maid and you hated the pity you saw in her eyes. You wonder how you never saw it coming, you used to blame yourself, you used to say, "it's me, i need to figure out what i'm doing wrong and do it right." You thought it was the cooking so you improved, you invested in expensive cook books but nothing changed, you thought it was the sex, so you downloaded kamasutra in your brain, you are even the inventor of some sex positions but still nothing changed, if anything it worsened 'cos he accused you of learning the positions with your supposed boyfriends. He abuses you sexually too, sometimes he drags you, tears your cloths and has sex with you while you lay there like a log of wood but you do not consider that sexual abuse, he is after-all your husband. You shifted the blame to his work, you kept telling yourself, "the pressure at his office is too much, after-all it's not an easy task to be a CEO." You got tired of blaming work and started to blame your parents for agreeing to let you marry him, but when they tried to make you leave him, you wouldn't, you stopped blaming them and started blaming God, you questioned him, "Why God? why after so many years of waiting for the right one, why did you let me end up with this lunatic?" Some of your friends that dated and slept with more than 30 guys before they got married are happily married with children, why then has God left you to suffer senselessly.It wasn't all bad though, he had his moments, rare ones, there were times when he made you laugh like today. His sense of humor attracted you back then and it's good to see that he can still make you laugh, but they are rare moments and laughter once again becomes sorrow.
People think you are crazy for still staying with him but they do not understand.......and you know what you are right! they do not understand, we do not understand, i do not understand, after-all we have never been in an abusive relationship. You say you love him and he loves you but he has defiled the meaning of love. Love in whatever context you choose to define it, is strongly associated with kindness, compassion and affection, according to Wikipedia, it is basically the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another and he has totally and absolutely abused this definition. On average 24 women per minute are victims of physical abuse, some of them are lucky to get out of their unfortunate situations, some of them stay because of their kids, some of them are too scared to leave and this fear has cost a lot of them their lives, some of them become too depressed and they end up taking their own lives, some of them unfortunately gets beaten to death, some of them are lucky enough to see him change but some are not. You stay because you think he would eventually change and you know what? he might change but what if he doesn't? Are you going to stay till he beats you to the extent that you never open your eyes again because he has finally beaten the life out of you?
No one is judging you or looking down on you because this situation/problem isn't your fault and it doesn't define you, how you handle it is what matters so maybe its time to pour all the love you have on yourself, show yourself kindness, compassion and affection, be unselfish and loyal to yourself, for it is by loving yourself that you can see that you deserve better than this.
Physical abuse is deeper and bigger than this post as this is just my imagination but it is sad that my imagination doesn't even come close to what women face, it's not an issue that can be handled by just one person, if you are going through this or you know someone going through this please ask for help, its extremely important that you do...
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